I'm physically here

I'm physically here. Mentally, I'm not here in this world. It's going to cause me despair for the entire time. I'm scared I suppose. It seems to me like I'm spoiled by life. It's just like eating dessert before dinner. In the same analogy, positive emotions are great but just like the dessert, I am spoiled because of the emotions. I can't even grasp positive emotions. I want to be an optimist, but I can't even grasp optimism no more. I don't want myself to mentally disagree with the physical, so I just let the worst possible emotions and thoughts pass me by, but when I do so, they seem to come back to me and they keep being here. When I write, some of this emotion can escape, but there's still going to be an emptiness in my life