Maciek again. My life feels displaced by an emptiness, but sorry for being pessimistic

I feel spoiled; but not for all of the stuff that I have, or all of the happiness in my life. I feel spoiled because of time passing by, and it's unpleasant. I wish I could be backwards in time by at least a few months. I miss winter. I feel like someone who's eaten too much chocolate before dinner. This is an analogy; chocolate was the past, and now spring is dinner, and I am too spoiled to enjoy the future because the past went by not how it was supposed to. I didn't enjoy winter, but I don't have seasonal disorder. In fact, I actually might have gotten this analogy written backwards! I don't mean to be pessimistic on purpose, but the reality is that I won't be happy in the future, such as during the spring or summer, because I feel like I didn't fulfill everything that I wanted to do in the winter. To tell about it another way, it's as if time is always oncoming, but I'm stuck in the past, and there's a hole, an emptiness, that's formed, and that emptiness is the past, and it keeps getting more empty, no matter what I do in the future, whether I get a job, a girlfriend, or find more happiness. It haunts me.
You know how it is when you're working to get something accomplished? Whatever you get done, you are satisfied because you have done everything that you wanted to do, you've accomplished everything, and for me the only life is getting everything done perfectly. I want life to go by in a certain order, and fulfill my desires by the way. I feel as if the world in which I live in is now displaced, because now time is displaced by this emptiness that is forming and getting larger. I will get a job eventually, and maybe I will fulfill all of my past desires. But there is now the realization the lost time cannot be redeemed in our own lifetime; there has to be another realm in which we reside, in which we can live again. and if I knew that such another realm existed for a fact, then I would have peace of mind. Now I'm just someone who is wishing that all days would pass us by. I believe that we don't get just one chance at life. I think that anything in my life that will make me happy will simply be an illusion, because I'll always have this despair in me that I'll hold inside me, and here's another analogy to explain why I've lost all hope. so when someone has anger inside of them, they might either be passive or aggressive. If they're passive, then they might eventually go all out in anger and the situation might turn dangerous. I'm forced to be passive in my despair, and it's all because of the fact that society wants me to always be fine in terms of my mood. optimism is not necessarily an illusion, but for me it is because I'm being overwhelmed by everything. I don't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed by what I fail to explain. It seems as if I've gone too far in feeling negative.